George Carlin is an American comedian, actor, public critic, and writer. He was known for his black comedy and his thoughts on politics. Rolling Stone ranked him second on the list of the 50 Greatest Comedians of All Time for 2017. He was also ranked second on Comedy Central’s 2014 list of the Top 10 Cocaine-Using American Comedians. Carlin has had heart problems for three decades. This included three heart attacks. Read some of George Carlin’s inspirational quotes in the following article.
George Carlin’s 50 Best Phrases
- The planet is fine. People are in a mess.
- I speak for myself because I am the only one whose answers I accept.
- Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
- That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to sleep enough to believe it.
- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
- I love it when a flower or a small tuft of grass grows through a crack in the cement. It’s so fucking heroic.
- Religion is like a pair of shoes… Find one that fits you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
- Men of the land, women of the land. Face it
- Think about how stupid the average person is and realize that half of them are even more stupid.
- Erase any cynic and you will find a frustrated idealist.
- I do this stupid thing and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a good American because I like to make my own decisions.
- I don’t have domestic rage, I have a lot of psychotic hate.
- Some see the glass as half full. Others see it half empty. I see a jar twice as big as it should be.
- Tell people that there is an invisible man in the sky who created the universe and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet and they should feel it to make sure.
- If it is true that our species is alone in the universe, then I must say that the universe has aimed very low and settled for very little.
- Atheism is a non-prophetic organization.
- The very existence of flamethrowers shows that at some point someone said to himself, “You know, I want to set those people on fire, but I’m not close enough to do the job.”
- Life becomes really easy when you get rid of all the nonsense they teach you in school.
- I have as much power as the Pope, I don’t have many people who believe it.
- Why is it an abortion, if it’s us, and if it’s a chicken, then an omelette?
- Isn’t it annoying that doctors call what they do “practice”?
- In the United States, anyone can become president. This is a problem.
- Laugh often, long and hard. Laugh until you run out of breath.
- People who see life as more than entertainment don’t understand.
- Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that dishonesty, obviously through elimination, is the next best policy.
- Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think alcoholic women should be told not to fuck.
- Don’t worry about nonsense and don’t caress sweaty things.
- There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
- A good life motto is: “Always try not to get killed.”
- If you were born in this world, you will get a ticket to the freak show. If you were born in the United States, you will have a front row seat.
- If someone with a split personality threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?
- I have a lot of ideas. The problem is that most of them suck.
- The Christians gave him Sunday, the Jews gave him Saturday, and the Muslims gave him Friday. God has three days off.
- The IQ and life expectancy of the average American have recently crossed in opposite directions.
- I thought about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then I realized that they were studying for their final exams.
- Every situation has a humorous side. The challenge is to find it.
- I put a dollar in the money changer. Nothing has changed.
- Electricity is really just organized lightning.
- Religion is just mind control.
- Can you call a wingless fly a pleasure fly?
- Don’t give your money to the church. They should give you their money.
- I myself killed six people. All random, all unknown, impossible to trace back to me. And let me tell you, there is no such thing. This is a good feeling. Yeah, I know you’re thinking, “Oh, he’s a comedian. He just says these things. Good. This is exactly what I want you to think.
- Bullshit is truly an American soundtrack.
- Let a smile be your umbrella and end up with a face full of rain.
- Weather forecast for today: cloudy. Continuation in the dark at night, with diffused light in the morning.
- People are beautiful, one by one. Each of them leads somewhere inside a complete hologram of the Universe.
- The child molester skipped breakfast but said he’d get something on the way to work.
- I love and appreciate people when I meet them and hate and despise the groups with which they identify or belong.
- Saliva causes cancer, but only if it is ingested in small amounts over a long period of time.
- In most surveys, there are always 5% of people who “don’t know”. What is commonly misunderstood is that all surveys are about the same people.